I’ve purposely kept silent for these past ten days or so, but I think I am ready to break that silence. Yesterday is the day my dad was cremated, so I’m not exactly sure what my next step is on this life journey.

I’ve spent the last 9 days secretly conspiring behind your backs to go and raise my dad from the dead. Out of mere habit of being a “facebook pastor” for the past 4 years, I felt compelled to tell you all what I was planning, but I decided that I don’t need to announce all of my moves to the world, and have no plans to blurt out all my secrets in the future. I’m learning to be precise in what I say, instead of spraying words wildly into the air.

I didn’t get much time to pray for my dad at the hospital before or after he passed, and since that night (Tuesday, January 22nd) I’ve been trying to track down his body so I could go lay hands and bring him back. Apparently, after you die, your body gets signed over to a mortuary guy, and because of that somebody else owned my dad’s body and wouldn’t let me near him unless I paid $1400 to have them cake my dad’s face with make-up, and use their fancy little facility.

It is disappointing because I’ve never been so sure of something in my life, that if I only could have touched him and spent a little more time commanding life and healing, everything would be fixed right now and I would still have a chance to hang around him. Maybe take him up on one of his many offers to go to church, or finally drop by his house and offer to help him fix his car.

I know God’s will is for him to live, but the dilemma over the first night was that I didn’t know if it was my dad’s will to come back. I asked God the night my dad fell asleep, “Would my dad want to come back if he could? Because I know he is at peace, without worry, and I wouldn’t want to take him from that. But if he would want to come back, I will fight for him.” and when I woke up the next morning I heard the most clear and resounding “Yes!” from Him that I’ve ever heard from any of the thousands of questions I’ve asked Him in my life. It was almost audible.

That is the hope I have been functioning on. Because the night after I left the hospital was devastating.

Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”

I’m sure someone will think that was all desperation on my part, or that I just couldn’t let go, or it was me trying to cope, but that’s not it at all. I would have been perfectly fine letting go if I knew that’s what my dad wanted, but I trust my relationship with Jesus enough to know He wouldn’t lie to me, and I can count His yes to be yes, and His no to be no.

Since I knew both my Father’s will and my dad’s will at the same time, I was willing to put everything on the table to see both fulfilled. Every day I assured him, “I’m coming to get you, Dad. I’m on my way. I’ll see you soon. I won’t quit fighting for you.” Funny enough, I’ve never hit so many walls in my entire life as I did in these past 9 days. Every time I got close, something else stopped me completely in my tracks. I said I would fight, but I didn’t expect an actual fight of that magnitude to take place. It was one thing after the other. Every way I turned something came up and blocked me from moving towards him. It felt like the dream where you are running into the wind, and your body gets exhausted and worn out, but you’re not making any forward progress at all. That has been the last 9 days of my life. Some spiritual people would say that it was God closing that door, but I don’t think He does that kind of thing. Jesus never did that to anyone. He never had an excuse to leave a dead person dead, or a sick person sick, and likewise, I have no excuses and will not accuse Him of having any either.

1 Cor. :20, “For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” ascends to God for his glory.”

Some would say that it was my dad’s time to go, but I think God has plenty of creative ways to take someone to heaven without giving or allowing them to get cancer, or any other sickness. (Enoch vanished from the earth, never to be seen again. Elijah was taken by a chariot of fire, witnessed by his friend Elisha. God doesn’t need cancer to get people from here to heaven).

I’ve never given my entire self to anything like I did with this, I’ve never put all of my chips on the table as far as my faith goes, and I’ve never had such an absolute hope and faith in the dead being raised. It was something I could have never worked up on my own. But for one strange reason after the other, I just couldn’t get to him.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why it appears as if the devil was a stronger force than God throughout this whole thing. But I still believe Jesus heals all, and I still believe it is God’s will for every person on this planet to be healed here, now, in this life. I am committed to never allow disappointment, not even the death of my own dad, frame God and imply that He had something to do with the tragedy. In that, I am once again reassured that this is the gospel of Christ that I preach, because it has stood up to all the scrutiny people have brought against it, and it has allowed me to remain at rest, even in the midst of the worst tragedy I’ve experienced. This is a house built on rock, not sand, and it has been proven to stand strong against the wind, time and time again.

Thank God for the revelation of Jesus, who is the revelation of God’s nature. I was expecting to lose all hope if all of this didn’t work out. I told God, “If this doesn’t happen, I will die with him. I won’t be able to continue ministry.” And I was fully expecting to die with him (at least mentally and emotionally), and I was fully expecting to make a post when this was all over announcing that I am no longer going to be of any service to any of you, because I didn’t think I would want to be. I thought I would be so disappointed and hopeless that I couldn’t go on. But I can’t do that. I don’t know how.

LIFE lives in me, and because of that I don’t know how to die.

Dad, I’m not sure if they have internet there, but judging by all of the prayers people type to Jesus on Facebook, I’m assuming He has one of those, and if you for some reason can’t see this personally, I will trust Him to deliver this message: I love you, and I will see you real soon. We will build and race hot rods and play lots of guitar. Perhaps from your perspective, and in your time zone, your grandchildren and I are already there next to you doing just that. Perhaps, even as I type this post, we are in the middle of a family group hug, and you have no idea why I’m talking as if you’re not right in front of me. I don’t know how this time/space stuff works, but if I’m not looking at you now, I will be looking at you soon. Until then, I will wait patiently, and you can watch me change the world with the best view of them all!

To everyone else, I encourage you to not get worked up and fight for healing as if it’s your job to carry somebody’s sickness or sorrow. Jesus already did that and it’s not your burden to pick up.

That isn’t what I did through this ordeal, and it isn’t what I meant when I said I would fight for my dad. I was at peace and rest and I still am because I couldn’t carry this if I tried. If I did try, I would be depressed and miserable right now, feeling like a failure, because that is a house built on sand. It is a house that I have to hold up because the foundation isn’t sturdy. In a house built on rock, I can trust the foundation (Jesus) to hold the walls up against the wind, and I can rest safe inside, peaceful and worry free as the walls do their job. I do encourage you to not back down as easily as I have in the past.

If you really believe it is God’s will for someone to live, stand up for it and don’t back down. No matter how many obstacles or walls are put in front of you. No matter how many of your relatives tell you that it’s just the person’s time to go. They mean well, so hold nothing against them, and be gentle and understanding towards them. They don’t see what you see, or know what you know yet, but that’s okay, because they will. There is no pressure. There is no regret. There is no guilt. And there is no failure. We are all learning. There is only peace, only patience, and only love. Jesus Healed ALL